Settling in….

It has been a little over two weeks since I returned to the Netherlands.

A few days after my return I wrote; “moving abroad is scary, exciting and amazing, moving back is confusing….”

I have lived in Vancouver for about 6,5 months a lot happens in a period that long and I felt really changed. It is difficult to go on in the same energy once your back in to your old life, or at least that is what it feels like.

I lived in Vancouver which was pretty far away and I definitely lived my life there, I didn’t worry too much about what was going on here, basically I didn’t really know what was going on here. So I moved back as if no time had passed, it is difficult to explain, but basically what I’m saying is that I came back and for me it didn’t feel like any time at all had passed. I hadn’t seen people in a long time, but that goes for all people in my life in the same amount, what makes it feel like I just saw them 2 weeks ago, it just felt like I was different but my life was the same. And I have written about that before, my life the way it was the six months leading up to the Vancouver adventure wasn’t the life I wanted to return to.
It wasn’t a happy period for me and Vancouver was, the best time of my life in the best place on earth.

So I struggled a bit with that. In the beginning I felt like I had massively changed and didn’t fit in to my own life anymore, I have even felt ‘homesick’, for Vancouver... Also I didn’t really know how to fit in again and still go on in the same spirit and energy as I had in Vancouver. But in the end it turns out the changes are clear but way more subtle, and if you don’t overwhelm yourself it will be ok. You will find your place and figure out what it is that you want.

But the overwhelming part is what happened to me, a lot has happened in these past two weeks. To start off with the fact that I returned injured, I have been injured a lot before, but this one is different since it is my good leg. Since I was injured I wouldn’t have a ski season, I knew about that and had made peace with that, or so I thought. My injury also is responsible for the fact that I couldn’t start my medical clerkships, and that was difficult to grasp, because what to do with all that time I had to wait? I returned on a Monday night and I had my appointment with the orthopedic surgeon on Thursday morning, I was very nervous and somehow convinced that he would schedule me for surgery straight away. Having surgery meant that I would be totally occupied with surgery and recovery and didn’t had to think about anything else. But having this surgery also really freaked me out because of the history with my other leg. But that Thursday morning the doc decided that I was doing too good for emergency surgery, I was doing better than he expected considering the images. So starting with 6 weeks of intense rehab was the plan, physio 4 times a week in Amsterdam. I have been doing that and things are going well, rehab is going very well.

Two days after my doctors’ appointment I was back on the bike, the track bike, and I loved it. Maybe I wouldn’t be skiing but I could be biking and try to race the nationals, this gave me some peace and a goal. I need goals to function.

Working on goals; I also figured out a plan on how to deal with the gap in my medical school education. I decided I wanted to fill my gap with an extra research project, something that would contribute to my education rather than just waiting it out. I wanted to do the project within the field of pediatric oncology, remain in the same field as my Vancouver project, problem is that my hospital, LUMC, doesn’t have pediatric oncology. Trough Daniël I got some email addresses of doctor’s in the AMC hospital and I found a doctor who is happy to have me. I am really excited to start in January on a 6 month project.

The real rollercoaster started during the second week in the Netherlands. A friend from medical school passed away and that really caught me off guard, it was so shocking and sudden for me, and I really didn’t know how to deal with that. But I ended up talking about it a lot, with my mom and a mutual friend, normally I don’t talk about my feelings too much but now I did, showing that I changed? I don’t know, but what I do know is it helped.

Hardly over the first shock, a day after the devastating news I went to Landgraaf for the IPCAS races (international para ski races) to see my friends an watch the races. I had a lot of doubts surrounding this decision, would it be too hard on me, too much of a confrontation. Something that injured athletes deal with a lot. But I went and I can’t really say it was easy or the right decision, because to be honest it was hard on me and it left me completely exhausted. But it was nice to see everyone and hear the other girls, my competion, say how much the missed me. In things like this there probably isn’t a right or a wrong decision, it is a decision you have to make on the basis of what feels the best at the time. Anyway I decided that I rather wouldn’t walk away on something that might be too hard. Is that a change? Not really I have always been a fighter. But what I did find out and something that definitely has changed in me that I find peace in letting go of things I can’t change. I have been fighting a lot and it is good to fight for things that you believe in, but there is a point where you have to let go, how hard that might be. The last 6 months before Vancouver I have been fighting and holding on too much, I just couldn’t let go. In Vancouver I did let go and I got rid of all the anger inside me, being more forgiving, doesn’t mean I forget but it means that I freed myself from my anger.  And the basis for that I have found in just letting go, have peace in letting go of things you just can’t change, it doesn’t mean that you are defeated.

So yeah I am back in to my old life as a changed person, changes, sometimes subtle but still clearly there. All though old challenges are back as well and are still challenging, but I feel confident that I won’t fall back in to the pattern that I have lived for the 6 months leading up to my departure, a pattern that started a year ago. Vancouver was the best decision I have ever made and the timing worked out great. Being so far away and starting completely over is amazing an adventure and a chance, a chance that everybody should grab, I feel. We all get stuck in our patterns sometimes.  

Right now I find a lot of joy in track cycling, I have made a lot of progress and created some extra training opportunities. The 4 times a week physio schedule gives me some structure, so hopefully I will start writing my research paper soon.

The funeral was yesterday, it was a sad day, but I was happy to share it with friends, to drive up to Groningen together and share some stories.

This is the last post on this blog, for now. I am sure that I will return to Vancouver and have a reason to dust off this blog J.

The pictures are all in the different albums, there are a lot more pictures there then have been published in the blog, check it out under the tab pictures.

On a last note I would like to thank all my Vancouver friends for the great goodbye parties and gifts, both at work and in the Cambie. I miss you guys sooo much!!!! It was amazing and I will be back!!!!

 Selma, me, Mette

Mette, Chris, Me, Tina & Sherry

 Goodbye gift from my lab

Have a good winter!!!!